The New Perfectionism: Four Tips to Ease the Trap

"Be happy, don't get angry, be unique, don't be weird, be bold, don't take up too much space, be real, don't be too real" and the list of prescriptives goes on ad infinitum.

Most of us are unknowingly suffering from internal OCD, an anxious effort to feel better (more secure) by controlling who and how we are. So instead of allowing the full breadth of our experience, we try to inhibit and limit the emotions, needs, and impulses that arise. This is like trying to control the tides of the ocean.

The brain wires based on past experience punctuated by survival needs, which when we are very young consists almost entirely of the bond with our caregivers. As we grow up we gather information about what is and is not okay first in our childhood environment and then in the cultural (our tribe) norms.

We have moved from just an external perfectionism and are now filled with unconscious and conscious demands on our psychic and emotional selves based on what was encouraged, discouraged, ignored, or celebrated in our family or community.

It is nearly impossible to feel at peace if we are constantly inhibiting our true and full experience because there is always efforting against ourselves. These are tiny acts of aggression that block our access to the love, joy and intuition we need to thrive.

We tend to contract with fear, we do this around what we perceive is threatening inside--viewing ourselves as a threat and cutting off the flow of our energy is very painful and upsetting for our nervous system.

How do we get out of this feedback loop of internalized shame?

First, begin to recognize when you make yourself bad or wrong for what is naturally arising inside you. Everything that is here is meant to be here or it wouldn't be! Just because you feel it doesn't mean you need to automatically express it. The more we can host our own experience the happier our nervous system is, the more choice we have about how we express things when we do.

Second, try repeating to yourself and all the emotions, sensations, thoughts in there--"I love you and you are welcome here". Use a few breaths to make space in the tight spots for what is in there. You are turning towards, rather than away from yourself. You don't need to keep doing to yourself what was done to you. We are our most consistent companion--how do you want to be treated?

Third, connect to the energy of the universe that created you (including all that arises within you) and adores you just as you are in this moment. We would never say to a flower "you can have 5 petals or 3 petals, but not 4--if you have 4 petals you are not loveable". Shift your alignment from the conditioned thoughts of your anxious ego and begin aligning with your heart. Just like we do for our partners or our children--we can offer unconditional love even if we don't like what they are doing. Love of your being is different from how you feel about what you are doing. Start by letting everything that arises be okay, and go from there.

And last, stop labeling. Throw out the idea of "good" or "bad" feelings, needs, thoughts. Let it all co-exist with curiosity and compassion. Love and safety aren't awarded for perfect behavior, they are accessed. The sooner we take our energy back from performing who we think we need to be, the sooner we can access the experience of the person we want to be.

Conscious Reentry Part 2: Being Around Other Humans Again

I realized some important things about myself over the quarantine, two of them that have been really catching my attention lately are--I really need and enjoy my alone time and I really need and enjoy unstructured down time.

Transitions can be hard, but they can also be opportunities. One beautiful thing about time away from something is that we can choose how we reengage.

We may now be simultaneously grateful and overwhelmed by reentering the world of interaction with OTHER HUMANS again.

What if that was totally okay? What if we expected it to be a little edgy? It has been another big change.

What if we could also use this current change as an opportunity to integrate the quieter, deeper longings of our truest beings into our social world?

Try playing with different ways to engage, maybe next time your socializing take a few moments or even breaths by yourself or step briefly away from the group. Perhaps take some space in your schedule that is intentionally free of plans.

Or let’s ask—what parts of me got to come out when I was more alone that I would like to bring out now? Now that we get to socialize, we can ask—how do I want to be social? Are there parts of me that I would like to share more?

This can be a coming out process for us all in different ways, where the parts of us that were more hidden have a chance to see the light.

Welcome back, we want you as you are—ever-changing, ever-growing and indefinitely loved.

Conscious Reentry

There was a great pause, perhaps an exhale we craved deeply but were so caught up in a stream of busy that we didn’t know it. 

Having slowed down, gotten quieter and perhaps more connected to ourselves and our own rhythm…

How do we hold on to what we learned in and maybe even liked about this past year? 

Most of us learned over our life to feel some tension between the authentic expression of our needs and the security of external love or validation. We might believe in a host of “shoulds” about who and how we need to be in the world to be received and successful. 

These conditions were suspended for many of us in quarantine, we were forced (allowed!) to break all sorts of social norms and conventions around engagement, time and routine. 

What if we didn’t need to stay loyal to these old conditions now that it’s up to our discretion? What if we could move forward in the world from a place of trusting that the more connected we are to our truth and our needs—the more fulfilled, secure and truly loving/loved we become?

You have permission to inhabit the full power of remembering you have choices about how and where you spend your energy. Stop letting other people’s needs or reactions from the past determine how you organize your present or your future. 

Sit for a moment here and feel back into this last stretch of time…..

Let yourself inquire: 

What felt good and nourishing?

What did I learn about my priorities?

What did I learn about how I am best cared for to thrive?

Allow the time to make decisions about what, who and how you repopulate life. What would it be like to inform that process with these answers? 

Love in the Time of COVID

When perceiving danger, the most primal impulse of humans beings is to reach for the help of another human. Compassion and presence are the antidotes to fear, we all need to feel held and comforted.  

This global shutdown raises both the stakes for and the strain on our closest relationships—including the one with ourselves.

Here are some frameworks that can help us use this time as an opportunity to support more love now as well as on our journeys moving forward as individuals, couples and community. With each of these the practices can be equally—if not more—effective with yourself as with others. 

1. Be Generous and Messy :  It is likely that given our close quarters and added stressors emotions will run higher, we may feel more agitated or critical of ourselves and others. It is so important that we make space to compassionately allow the feelings to flow. How can we be gentle with these aspects that are scariest to face or share?  Let us be the one we all need so desperately and say to our loved ones and to ourselves—“you and all your you-ness belong here, I will love you in your wholeness, your experience is important.” If there is conflict resolve it quickly by not being too attached to your side and a willingness to ask instead “what is needed right now for there to be connection or peace?”

2. Create Refuge:  To keep the balance, look for opportunities to recognize and express appreciation and gratitude. Take care to go on “dates” where the focus is connection and play and where you can still have new experiences.  Most of us are using a lot of social media to interact now, to address the lack of physical contact include a sensory element to the interactions—take a FaceTime walk, a bathtub party, cook a meal together or share an online yoga class—be creative with your embodiment. If you do have folks with you at home, it can be helpful to schedule special time for alone and interpersonal connection in ways that are nourishing and replenishing. Spending just five minutes with focused attention on positive sensory sensation can have incredible effects on your brain and nervous system.

3. Same, Same but Different : We all have different responses to stress, some of us are more internal and some more external, some will want to snack all day long and others will loose their appetite. Everything we do serves a purpose and has an origin. If we can avoid reacting to our stress reaction or taking personally that of our loved ones it can save us so much additional suffering. If possible, try substituting judgment and comparison in favor of kindness and some curiosity—when in doubt—inquire. 

4. Gently Strategize: One of the primary ways humans have found so much success as a species is our ability to collaborate and coordinate. Being part of a tribe or a team is essential to keep us feeling safe and being successful. There is a sacred ecosystem, a protective energetic bubble that surrounds each of us as well as our couple relationship. Coming up with an intentional approach for this time will help keep that bubble clean and functioning well. If possible create some daily rituals that help you stay connected to the intention. The unknown and uncertain are highlighted right now, so empower what is under your control and be strategic about what you fill your bubble with, what you let in and what you keep out. 

5. Play the Long Game : Like all things, this moment too will end. How do you want to emerge on the other side? Are there ways this can help us grow individually and together? What would it take to feel good about how you moved through this? Be inspired and invited to reach out to those around you for support to make this happen.

I am also offering both individual and couples coaching sessions remotely on a sliding-scale basis during the home-stays. And there are two spots left in one of the online women’s groups, email me if you are interested in joining us. 

Strategies for Responding to An Uncertain Time

Here are 5 basic concepts you can use to respond intentionally to what this current situation evokes in us: 

1. Replace "Quarantine" with "Cocoon" : I am inviting us to see this as a gift of pause that if welcomed can be a real source of renewal and transformation. What would it be like to focus on what you would like to do with this time and how you would like to emerge? If you were a chrysalis in a cocoon for two weeks what would you want to fill that space with? 

2. Differentiate Between Past and Present: When confronted with fear or pain the brain reaches into its cache of past experiences + traumas to respond with the survival strategies that worked at the time. One side effect of this is that the brain (and so the body) temporarily feels that it is in that old context. Although they are tempting, it can be very regulating to help our system decipher between the old wounds that come with old beliefs and impulses and the current situation as it confronts us today. Questions like "How is this familiar to me?" can be helpful in starting that inquiry. 

3. Find Security in The Body: Assessing for safety is one of the most regulating things you can do for your nervous system, start by asking--"am I or any of my closest loved ones under immediate life-threatening danger?" If the answer is "no" then regulating your nervous system becomes the most valuable thing you can possibly do for yourself so that you have access to all of your brain when you do decide to respond to whats at hand. One way to do this is take three breaths, then feel your feet and your back and take three to five breaths into those places. Sense if there is any shift in spaciousness or feeling of calm inside--unrelated to the happenings of the outside world. 

4. Fear of Uncertainty is Compulsive not Inevitable: The brain is predictive, it does this in an effort to keep us safe. For most of us, there were gaps in feeling fully cared for or secure over our lives and so our brain has wired in anxiety patterns that attach fear and worry to the blank space of the future. We do this to try to prevent the repetition of past pain, which ironically we guarantee by projecting the past on to the future before it even happens and reacting to it as if it already did. What if we could be curious  about the fear that arises amidst the uncertainty as well as towards this uncertainty itself?  Is it possible to stay with what is actually occurring instead of what we fear will occur? This tends to be far less overwhelming and empowers us to respond with our full creative potential. 

5. Connect with Something Outside Yourself: It is easy to get swept up into the tunnel vision of our primal defenses that want to be reactive and become the situation instead of being the responders to it. If we can make connections with community, with fun or play, with the creative projects we have been putting off—this can give us the deep nourishment we need to not just survive but use this experience as a resource for growth in our and the collective evolution.. We will also be more likely to find the sacred balance of being empowered in the truth that our actions impact all of humanity (in a very concrete way right now, but always) and the vital remembering that we are held in the fabric of something much greater. This connection can be our most powerful resource and is always available to us if we are willing to turn towards it.

Why Quit Self-Work

The modern trope of self-work can be exhausting and demoralizing in its suggestion that you are an obligation, an object that can be perfected, or a problem to be fixed. Perhaps instead we move toward self-exploration, that encourages healing naturally through connection and creative experience. An orientation of internal (and then likely external) kindness,
rather than judgement and stress. 

A scolded child shuts down, but a supported child
can learn new options. 

A recent nuerophysiology study showed that when we are focused on achieving a goal it puts our system under some stress, which causes us have to less access to a resourced, creative state of mind. However, when we can embody or connect to a present moment intention, our nervous system responds positively.  A goal suggests we aren't in the right place, where as an intention helps us feel how we are already connected to what we need. 

In this place we invite our lives to unfold from a place of abundance and trust in place of deficit or shame and fear. In any moments we can find pause to rest into our breath, into our bodies we initiate this reorientation as we begin to operate from the belief that we deserve love and presence in just exactly the shape we take today.  Each breath is an invitation to remember that we are supported in our existence--we matter, and if we were meant to be different in this here/now, we would be. 

On Fall: Forgiveness & Letting Go

Recently while in the park near my office, I watched a young man teaching meditation to a group of kids. One of the boys was taking a bit longer to find his seat. It was obvious to me he was headed to the base of a nearby tree but hadn’t quite settled there. The instructor looked at his watch, and yelled—rather harshly—“You are 15 seconds over schedule, sit down and start meditating!” 

My heart sunk, for both of them. 

How many of us have similar versions of this instructor in our heads? Reprimanding, resenting or commanding all sorts of things from us, others and the universe.

The mind tells us what we think should happen, but the body tells us what is happening; Our pain and suffering, is the distance between the two. 

This poor instructor was surely so full of his own internal "shoulds" that he couldn't support or enjoy the process of this young child finding his way in his own time and place. He also didn't seem by any stretch able to enjoy his own time in the park. Very likely, this man was reenacting his own experience of life, and shamed this little boy the same way he shames himself. 

We punish ourselves and others over and over again for the things we were once told we should or shouldn't, could or couldn't do, have, or be. 

What are you holding against yourself, others or the world around you? 

These grudges separate us from health, joy, and connection with life. 

It is Fall and the trees are generously and with ease letting go of their leaves, that once green brought so much vibrancy. The tree can teach us that in this letting go, we honor and cultivate contentment with what is. The trees without effort lovingly forgive the sun for leaving us and forgive themselves for now being bare. It is profound to see them stand just as tall and strong with or without their leaves--available to enjoy whatever comes their way next.

Forgiveness is freedom. We don't forgive to condone or excuse--we forgive because in letting go we can actually let in what is inside and around us. 

In honor of this changing season, I would invite you to play with what you can let fall away (pun intended).

Imagine how you would want to respond to the child finding his way and what it would be like to respond to your own body, process, being that way. And, I hope you allow yourself to find your own seat under a nearby tree. 

(Artwork above by Judith Bergerson)
 

On the Trauma of Trump: How to Help Ourselves Effectively Move Forward

As a psychotherapist I am finding myself on the frontline relief of this recent political tragedy. It can be helpful to treat this election upset as you would a personal trauma or death, as it is a very real (although temporary) loss of faith in the security and safety of our home place. I would like to offer these themes to support our resiliency at this critical juncture. 

1. Triggers. Because of how the brain works, the shock, pain, and fear of this event will trigger past traumas and wounds. If you can help your body tell the difference between the current event and the past issues it will settle your nervous system and minimize your automatic stress response. The easiest way to do this is by mindfully coming into your body in the present moment--walk, breathe, hug, yoga, etc. Also, put your screens down at least every 15 minutes so your body can rest and reset. 
2. Responsive vs Reactive. If we let ourselves be swept away in the automatic survival response (fight, flight, freeze) that our systems will want to have to this moment of uncertainty we will be acting with the most primitive part of our brains, and will likely be irrational or immobilized. Finding a sense of calm and groundedness in this as individuals is the best possible thing we can do for the world right now. Even just feeling your own feet on the ground or looking at a tree for 60 seconds can make a huge difference. 
3. Find your strengths. This situation is complicated and big, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. If we can each focus on one thing we feel capable of doing to comfort or organize we will no doubt be able to lessen the negative impact of this, and potentially even connect to powerful community, motivation, or causes that we didn't expect. 
4. Get creative. If we stay calm, the part of our brains in charge of creative thinking will come back online (as opposed to the primitive one that takes over when we are stressed or triggered). If we can avoid panic, there is great possibility for how we want to respond to this moment.
5. Compassion. The people who voted in Trump have the highest rates of disease and suicide in the nation. Although it can be difficult to understand, our efforts at compassion and connection with those on the other side, rather than further dehumanization of one another, will no doubt be our way out of this moving forward.